Contradictory Desires
I don't feel like completely rehashing the conversation I had with my therapist yesterday, because that's not what this blog is for. But I have been stewing on this idea that was brought up during the session. I act like a toddler (emotionally, behaviorally) when I feel attached to someone. Probably because it wasn't safe for me to form those attachments when I was that age.
I tend to desperately seek attention through small things at first and then escalate to harming myself in new and worse ways. I am seeking validation and praise and boundaries the same way a child does. I say attachment/attached because it's not codependency- the other person rarely "cares" about me in the same way, and is often reluctant to give me the attention that I want. It could be called dependency, but I don't think I've been dependent on someone that way ever. It's just me being overly attached. It tends to happen with men, and specifically white men older than me, although sometimes they're my age.
I act like a toddler who has access to drugs and knows how to manipulate someone. And it's so fucking backward because what I really want is for them to call me out on my manipulation and tell me to stop or ask me what I really want. Which will never happen because they usually don't give enough of a shit. That's not a slight on them at all, it's really the nature of the men that I choose to place in this position. I mean the reason this is coming up right now is because I've formed this insidious attachment to one of my bosses. I'd like to clarify that I haven't actually done any of the behaviors associated with this since I was like 17. I'm just getting the overwhelming feelings and urges. I can control my behavior and my boss probably has no clue about this internal struggle. I'm sure he knows I like him more than I like my other bosses that are on the same level as him but whatever. It's normal to have a preference.
This man has done absolutely nothing to encourage this line of thought in me. He's literally just doing his job and is a nice guy. He is accommodating to my disabilities at work. Which is his job. He tells me when I'm doing something correctly, which is just a good management strategy when you have a new employee. The only reason he's different (in my brain) to any of my other supervisors is because he talks to me in a way I can understand it and gives me extra tasks to do that are above my position. Tasks that specifically work with my skillset. And he gave me reassurance a couple times which is like heroin to a guy with OCD. I did not ask for the reassurance, it's just clear he is close to someone with mental illness.
I'm not really sure what to do with these feelings. My usual course of action is to just stop being around them or put up a mental wall between me and them if it's an inescapable situation. I don't want to quit my job. I love my job.
The more I participate in life, the more selfish and childlike I get. Specifically in my responses to situations. Things that would have been developmentally appropriate 10-15 years ago are wildly inappropriate now. I don't know how to fix this. I'm a believer in the way that relationships heal trauma. I'm not going to inflict myself on anyone when I'm like this. I'm a grown ass adult. It is no one's responsibility but my own to deal with me. And I am dealing with me, I'm coping and I'm using interpersonal skills and I'm going to therapy and I'm doing actions that are in direct opposition to my desires. It's helped my relationships and my quality of life has gone up. But how do I heal? How do I stop coping and start having mature and healed responses to situations? I'm participating in life- living. How do I start experiencing?
I think on my "about me" page I state that I'll be blogging about leaving AA. In a way, this is all about leaving AA and leaving the idea of God that I had. I was taught to heal through my relationship to God. It never worked. In fact, my solution to that was to meet him. I used to think of the afterlife as an eternal tea party with Flora (the Roman goddess that I chose as my higher power and refer to as "God" for simplicity's sake) where we would talk and she would help me in all the ways I needed. It used to bring me peace to know there was someone after all this that would give me everything I ever needed. I wrote a piece that I'll link here that was written while suicidal and in AA. Now I only pray that I stop existing.
The aforementioned piece describes all the best moments in my life and how I hope that death is just feeling all of those things over and over again. I clung to this idea of a better life after death. I'm so exhausted. I want things that I cannot ethically have. I want a parent. I am an adult. That time has passed.