Companion Context Post for "Do you deserve to eat?"
Hi there, this is a companion post to another post I wrote today titled "Do you deserve to eat?
Ya'll seem to like being given explicit information when I make a super vague post about something deeply concerning so here you go!
I've been getting heavily criticized (possibly even bullied) at work. This week especially I kept getting pulled aside and told to do better about something or another. I got yelled at for about 15 minutes in front of all my coworkers a couple days ago which prompted a coworker to tell me explicitly that no one likes me. I think the language he used was that everyone hates working with me. I was told that my attempts at small talk are annoying, that it's frustrating that I can't hear (I'm partially deaf) and that they don't like how open I am about being a lesbian. The night before all of this happened, I broke up permanently with my ex fiance and best friend of six years after trying to fix things over and over again. He also said some choice words. I almost got fired for calling out because I almost died and had to call 911 on myself and the only reason I didn't is because I'm capable of working all three stations on our line and most people only have one down.
Last month I moved to a shift that sits in between the morning and night to only work the rushes and worst parts of both shifts. This shift was invented last month and I am the only person working it. This means that there are no expectations or guidelines, so because everyone fucking hates me it means that I am responsible for everything that goes wrong even if I wasn't present for it going wrong.
Also this isn't referenced in any of my posts but I became an alcoholic after my friend killed himself in November. Not in a cutesy way, in a withdrawals-if-I-don't-drink-every-day way. I finally found time to detox during and right after the Superbowl (I threw up at work on that Saturday because of withdrawal.) And during my detox my younger sister was supposed to stay with me to watch for seizures and she left for a 2 hour break and got drunk and never returned.
I've literally just been in an emotional meat grinder for like 3 weeks. It's very clear to me why my anorexia has returned in it's new form. I feel a lack of self discipline in my life and I am implementing a tried and true strategy. I think it's presenting itself now in the way it is because I truly have no option other than success. Everything in my life is oriented towards one goal: Michelin stars. I don't have any delusions that I'll get them in the next year or even the next five (probably not even the next ten.) But by God I am going to get them.
I've written about how cooking saved my life before in line cook love Letter but I don't think I've spoken about why it's so important to me that I make it yet. I'll probably do that soon, but I write when I get inspiration so. No clue on when. I'm still working on a breakdown of my view of psychiatry and the mental health industrial complex because I haven't felt compelled to write anything on the subject yet.
Anyways, I always enjoy our little chats.
Until we meet again!
Your favorite emotional exhibitionist,
Lin <3