Do you deserve to eat?
One phrase keeps rattling around in my brain. I'm stuck on these four words. Over and over and over again I repeat it. With every step, every breath, do I deserve it?
How will I earn the right to more food than my body requires to keep moving today? Yesterday I worked a thirteen hour shift. I deserved it then. I didn't eat when I got home though, choosing instead to reward myself with a shower longer than the basic necessities. I allowed myself to stand under the water, without purpose, for at least 2 minutes. It's not like I'm starving myself, I'm getting calories in. It's just that I haven't done anything worthy of satiety in a while. The perpetual feeling of hunger gives me a point of pain to focus on when I fuck up. I refuse to give up and give in. I will get better. My only option is to become better than the best, to earn my place in the kitchen. To work ten times as hard as a man and twice as hard as a straight woman.
How will I earn the right to sleep more than is basically required to keep moving? I know I can survive off of four hours a night. I did so for almost a full calendar year. Do I deserve to medicate the pain my body is in? or is the pain a natural consequence of not being good enough yet. My body can handle what I make it handle. I can live a life of deprivation until I earn the privilege of care.
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