on being a butch lesbian and sucking men's cocks
I'm sitting here having two simultaneous conversations with two different men. Both of them are aware that I'm a lesbian. Both are aware that my boundaries must be respected in these arrangements. Last week a man came over and we physically fought each other in my living room, and when he won he fucked my mouth.
My first post on here is about BDSM and my blossoming masochism. Fueled by a new career notorious for it's assault on the body and mind, I expressed a lot of feelings about my PTSD and fear. My desires haven't changed a lot since then, but my motivation behind them has. It's fun to grapple with someone and know that I'm going to lose. It's fun to walk into a situation and know that I'll leave with bruises. It's empowering, it feels validating, it settles something in my head to consent to that treatment.
It also requires a lot of trust, and that takes much longer to build with women for me. I don't really question when a man says they're into causing me pain because I expect that from them anyways. I don't question if I'm being hot enough or cool enough because at the end of the day they know I'm not into them and I'm never going to be. The language many men speak is one of action. It's a simple equation; I get bruised they get off. I know who I am and I know I'm attractive. I know the concept of fucking a lesbian is appealing and I'm not going to shy away from it. We don't want anything else other than physicality out of the arrangement so there's no reason to lie to each other or pretend we're there for something we're not.
My friends often criticize my choice to continue to engage with men despite my sexuality. To that I say, there are many things deeply wrong with me and I'm going to continue to be an oxymoron until it stops benefiting me. My inflated sense of confidence and schizophrenic behavior has gotten me this far and it will get me further. Also I don't want to be a lesbian. I wanted so badly to like men. I wanted so badly to be able to engage with the world and benefit from the patriarchy. I tried really really hard to like men and then I called myself aromantic and asexual to avoid the truth.
My desires feel so incongruent with the way lesbianism is portrayed. I desire softness with women, but I also desire violence and carnality. There is lust and sleazy behavior and toxicity in my desire. On top of this I'm a butch. It feels like it's only okay to want violence in your relationships if you're skinny and white and pretty and feminine. My deepest shame is that I'm an aggressive and masculine butch and I'm attracted to other masculine butches. I want all the stupid boyish shit. I want to smoke cigs on a bridge at midnight and share a bottle w the woman I love. The dating pool is minuscule. I'm objectified as the most concentrated form of woman-liking by femmes who call themselves butch-bait and then treat me like a man. I'm constricted by gender norms despite my desires and actions to break free of them.