Make sure to read this one, Claire.
I haven't really written about this yet, too busy having a semi public breakdown on here about my ex. I don't often take posts down, but I think some good would come from un-publishing those for a bit. Especially because someone keeps viewing this blog randomly from a link in an instagram dm. Suspicious, because I know of three people in my real life who that could apply to. My ex boyfriend who I'm still in contact with, but he would just ask me if he wanted to revisit this, my best friend who respects my boundaries around this blog, and the ex I've been writing about. It's interesting because the point of my blog is anonymity, to give myself a space to express myself openly without fear that someone I know will find it. Claire, if you want to know how I'm doing just fucking text me. You were never blocked. It's incredibly weird and violating to continue to have this access to my vulnerability without my consent especially because you have removed every single bit of my ability to have access to you. It's voyeuristic and selfish. It's been over a month and you need to let it go. I didn't get on here to write something targeted towards you, directly towards you this time instead of just a vent about my feelings. I understand a lesbian breakup is rough. I understand why you're doing it. Stop.
It makes me feel worried about the other forms of access you continue to have to me despite the no contact breakup that you are the only one enforcing. We had a relationship based on negotiated consent with the expectation that you would not abuse the privileges given to you when that consent was withdrawn. Because you're the one that blocked me, I'm anxious about the shit I logged into on your phone. I can't reach out to you to ask for verification. I'm worried about explicit images and recordings that you have that I cannot guarantee were deleted. I can't walk around not knowing if you'll share some shit with friends when drunk. I had assumed because I assumed the trust and care that we had were mutual. Have I not gone out of my way to respect your boundaries? Did I not comb through my whole room and give you back everything that you left here? Including the physical nudes? I have not posted or spoken publicly about you. I haven't done any petty bullshit on social media. I'm not asking for applause for this, simply laying out what the bare minimum behavior in a breakup is.
You want to hear my unfiltered thoughts? I think you think you're someone you're not. I think if one of my friends went through hell to protect me I'd probably wait at least a week to stop talking to them. I'd probably give them the concession of the very simple and incredibly easy request of liking the message where they told me they got out of the abusive situation that was putting me at risk. I'm not mad at you for breaking up with me. I'm mad at you for when you did it. I'm upset that you suspected he was harming me and knew he was a dangerous person and let yourself get to the point you did before ending shit with me. You're allowed to leave any relationship at any time. No one is gonna argue with that and I'm not going to hold the event of the breakup against you. I will hold the fact that I wouldn't have done that against you though. And I know I wouldn't have done that because I never cut M off. We hung out the other night. I'd still show up if she asked. Honestly if your friend J called me I'd show up. I'm not jacking my dick to myself here about how good of a person I am because I know I'm not but good fucking God. I didn't expect you to fall on the fucking knife but could you not have broken up with me like at any point in the escalation? We had to wait until after we had a threesome? After everything? It literally would have been better if we broke up during my birthday party.
The other thing I'm doing is fucking someone who actually is the person you think you are. She's never gonna be you cus people are different but I don't have to be the only one keeping shit safe. I can talk negotiations with her and she knows what she's talking about, she asks the necessary questions and understands shit because she's done research. She says what she means, and takes me at my word as well. I can trust when she says something is okay because I know in my soul that she would tell me when it isn't because she has. It's not necessarily easy to express what I want to her but that's because it's hard for me to say anything I want these days. When she has an assumption she asks me about it. You're better at talking than her but like. No two people are the same.
Another update? Since you so obviously want to hear details about my life. This last one broke me completely. I act like a victim and it pisses me off. I can't look people in the eye and you gotta talk to me in an even tone or I get scared and shut down. I can't calm down anywhere that isn't my room. I have to spend at least twice as much time alone as I do with other people or I stop functioning. I'm incapable of not doing something if someone tells me to. I panic when I get a notification so I had to turn those off. I don't sleep more than 4 hours a night, occasionally 6. I struggle with having all of my clothes off at once because I need to be able to leave easily. I can't let myself get completely vulnerable with anyone other than my best friend. I had to call him in the middle of the night a couple days ago because I promised him I'd call him before I ended my life. My friends have to keep ordering me to eat and sleep because I won't do it without permission. I actually don't do anything without permission. I'm going to Atlanta to get help for my eating disorder.
My relationships are strained as hell because I'm constantly defending myself from some perceived threat. I'm a bitch because I don't want anyone to feel close to me, don't want anyone to feel secure. I can't stand people being comfortable around me because I'm scared I'm gonna fly off the handle and react with scared unrestrained violence. I'm always looking for signs of betrayal in everyone I talk to. I can barely trust the three people I talk to every day. I'm also learning to accept help because I can't do this one alone. I'm putting effort into the relationships I have with the people who are willing to put up with me. I keep trying because at some point this has to turn into just another thing I've moved past. At some point it will be easier and I'll build a new life for myself. At some point I'll stop feeling cornered by masculinity. At some point I'll become someone new, someone better.
I have to leave this life behind and I'd like to leave you behind but you keep doing this bullshit where you keep tabs on me in the most cowardly way possible. Hiding behind the simplest forms of deception like I wouldn't notice patterns and shit associated with you. I yearned for 4 years for my ex(?????) fiance, and 2 of those years were my proto-adult manipulative era. I know every trick in the book for stalking an ex.
Make up your mind. Either you actually exchange words with me, or you get the fuck out of my life in every way. You cannot be mostly out and keep tabs. It's invasive and frankly, triggering as hell. I'm probably going to make a different blog because I can't trust you to respect this. I don't want to abandon this project that I've been working on for over a year, but you genuinely leave me no choice.
Leave me alone. Leave my shit alone. Stop monitoring. I am not yours anymore, and while there was once a chance that we could one day reconnect, I need you to kill that dream. Get a fucking grip. Delete the parts of me still left in your life. You wanted to remove me, remove me. You want closure? Here you go. Smoke a lucky strike when you wanna remember me next time instead of reading back through the digital record of the worst shit I've been through.