Lord, I don't want to be violent anymore
I finally got my laptop back from my sister. I'm happy to be able to write again on here. I have very few real comforts in my life right now. I exist in shoes a half-size too small, in a t shirt with a tag right in the underarm. I miss who I used to be, I miss when the earth felt steady beneath my feet.
I feel horrible. I feel like a monster, I lie to everyone about what I am and who I've done. I miss when this anger didn't rise inside me and shatter everything in sight. I miss when I believed in the innocence of a future where things get better for me. I miss when people looked at me and saw potential, instead of the potential for me to ruin their lives.
Lord, I don't want to be violent anymore. I want more for myself. I want to choose peace.
I have this dream of a future with a house full of all the people I love, and they don't need my protection anymore. In this dream, I wear linen pants and my shirt has 3 buttons undone at the top. I have nowhere I need to be and no one I need to impress. My body has become soft with disuse, I hold myself no longer a snake poised to strike. I allow myself to love and to care and to laugh openly, there is no imminent threat. I am the type of person to bake muffins for my neighbors and sneak the children candy. I know the animals in my yard on a first name basis. My house is always warm and well lit, a beacon of comfort that welcomes those who need. My cabinets are full of mismatch dishes from friends and places I've been, evidence of memories I want to have. I make dinner at the stove and plate an extra portion for whatever guest may show up. I am welcoming and I myself am a place where people can come if they need comfort. I know and love and am known and loved.