Lin Processing in Real Time/I Miss My Mom and She's Still Alive
I feel like my friends don't like me. I don't know why, we have a good time together but I feel like I've relegated myself to a role I don't want to play. They respond shortly to texts, they don't engage as much with me. I hope they haven't found my blog. One of them could do it fairly easily if he wanted. Does he respect the sanctity of this enough? I don't know. I could be projecting, feeling like a bad person and expecting everyone to treat me like I am. I could be less healed than I think I am.
I'm drowning. I'm making shit up about the people around me because I'm insecure. Am I insecure or am I reading this correctly? Am I awful to be around? I don't actually want them to answer that question. I'd like to pretend I'm fun and a good friend. I'd like to pretend I don't feel like shit every time I make myself into a joke. I am vulnerable behind a screen, I clam up in person. It's 3:15 am. I'm so tired I'm shivering, but I want to go to mass, and I have to wake up at 5 for that. God I'm so fucking tired and nothing's even happening. My life is fine. No one is hurting me right now. right now.
I guess that's the issue. I expect to hurt so I'm making up things to feel hurt about. The relative peacefulness in my house makes me uneasy, I can't tell when it'll get bad again. Am I so obviously abused? Is there something about me that tips others off? I don't flinch anymore unless I'm not expecting it (read: around people I feel safe with. I always expect it.) I should sleep an hour and a half before mass. I should eat more than once a day. I worry I won't wake up. I worry the food will make me sick. I'm not intentionally losing weight, but I'm not mad about it. I wish I could fade slowly into the background. Nothing sounds good. Nothing is appealing. I miss when I trusted the world. I miss my fucking mom.