Casual Companion to "A letter I'll never send"
Hey y'all. Casual out of writing voice Lin here. I'm sorry to have like basically disappeared for a bit there. It kinda feels like my life is nonstop tragedies interspersed with good shit that makes the tragedies feel worse. Maybe that's just life in general, a series of catastrophic traumas with brief interludes of slivers of light under the door. I don't fucking know.
MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING FOR EATING DISORDERS
Also I'm anorexic again. I think? I actually don't know. Like I do kind of know? I stopped eating after my ex and I agreed to take a break. Not on purpose, just in that masculine coping skill way. But now I'm not sure if it's just my body expressing it's emotions anymore. It's low-key not about my weight though so I'm not sure. I'm deathly afraid of gaining weight and going back up to 200lbs again. But at the same time it's just so easy to not eat that I don't think I'd call this an eating disorder. And like I do eat just like not nearly enough. And sometimes I don't eat at all but like I'll drink caloric drinks. I'm not starving myself. Maybe. I'm hungry all the time but being full makes me actually want to cry it's so uncomfortable. And like God forbid a woman enjoy the feeling of hunger. And God forbid a man enjoy people commenting on my weightloss even if it took losing 60lbs before anyone said anything.
Honestly I think I'm just doing the thing when ppl lose weight where I'm realizing my goal weight is nowhere near where I want to be. I'm still fat somehow. Even though my current weight is the weight I was at in all the pictures that I thought I looked skinny in. It was my ideal weight at the time. Now it's like. Disgustingly obese low key. I can't understand why I feel like I look fatter now than I did when I was at my heaviest.
Anyways. love y'all or whatever Your loyal oversharer, Lin <3