Adrenaline Addict, Former Prostitute, Future Nun
Today, I need to return to the original purpose of this blog. I can't speak much about this to anyone because they don't really get it. I can't describe very well who I am in my life to you, but it's certainly not someone you'd think is considering becoming a nun. I'm a butch lesbian line cook, with tattoos and a swearing habit worse than some of the sailors I used to cook for. I'm aggressive and always ready for a fight. I'm manipulative to hell and back, and I'm ruthless when I see something I really want. I'm a bit of a jack-of-all-trades, I learn skills easily and cement them in my brain forever. I get drunk every other weekend, and smoke weed 6 out of 7 days of the week. I make out with multiple strangers on an average night out, and used to be a prostitute. I have tattoos, and I used to have four face piercings but I had to get the two in my lip cut out when they became embedded. (That was a great night actually, sat at the kitchen table while my friend cut into my face with a razor blade. Shit was butch as fuck.)
My body is covered in scars that tell the story of a life hard-fought. There's a massive burn scar on my leg from a tailpipe in a motorcycle crash, and a bunch of small white ones on my stomach from broken glass. My arms are littered with work burns from ovens and saute pans and fryer baskets and that one time I leaned my elbow onto the grill while it was still on. There are still the faint needlepoint track marks on the insides of my elbows from some bad decisions made a long time ago. My wrist still has the line from where I had to twist it out of a man's grasp while he was hitting me.
I found the saints before I found God. The martyrs spoke to me in a way religion never had a chance to. I could identify with their conviction, their ability to lay down their lives for something they believed in. St. Maximilian Kolbe sacrificed himself in Auschwitz to let another man live another day. St. Maria Goretti was murdered at 14 when she refused a grown man's sexual advances. It was a relief to see these real people with real documented lives, human beings with no divine selfhood, be venerated. The ultimate life goal is to become a saint. I find myself now drawn to saints with a past, the ones who weren't always virtuous. Probably because that would be my story if I were ever to achieve the highest honor of being a saint.
I'm sat in my room, looking at all of the things that I have. I'm finding that with every day that goes past I am more detached from the items I once valued so highly. I find myself holding less and less a desire for sex (at the same time though, not finding my domme any less of an absolute smoke show.) It feels like there's something more to life. I spent this past weekend working my second job, which I used to feel extremely comfortable in. Now I feel weird moral wise on that one. I feel like I'm going through the process of being prepared for religious life and it's not me that's changing me.
It's hard to describe what it feels like. I feel this bone deep conviction that helping people is what I was put on earth to do. That God wants me to help as many people as possible. I feel like the biggest most important thing is entering into full communion with Christ. I want to get closer to Him, I want to be allowed to do God's work on earth. I want to let myself become a vessel for God's will. I am willing to give up all of my personal hopes and dreams and items and life to God. Not only am I willing, it would be a privilege to be allowed to do so. The vows do not feel scary or intimidating, giving my entire being over feels right.
I want to bring joy when joy feels like an impossibility. I want to create hope in destitution. I want to do anything and everything for the people of this earth in the service of God. My physical body matters less to me. Which is weird because I spent 4 years giving myself testosterone shots so I could change my body. I think maybe, that the body God gave me (which includes the transition) is the exact body I need to do the work He wants me to do.
Kind of a short one today, but I needed to get this one out of my system. Thank you so much for listening to this entirely off character post.